5

Five years ago today we lost my Mom.

It has been 1865 days, that is a lot of days. Somedays it feels like it has been that long and some it feels like it was last week. 

We lost her to a nasty disease, I'm still bitter and angry but I've also come to peace with it over time. 

I remember the day and could relive the moments like it was yesterday. I think it is funny how we cannot remember things that we did a few weeks ago but can replay events like this over and over again.

Five years ago my life drastically changed forever. I lost the parent that I spent 17 years of my life with, the one who raised me, the one who we miss more & more each day. 

Today is hard, all of the milestones have been. I think that the first year with the first birthdays/holidays/graduations was the most difficult but I'd by lying if I said five did not hurt. Five is more than a few years - five is a long time and it stings a bit.  Five is a lot and a lot has happened in these five years. I left for college, transferred to a new school, graduated from college, got a job in the real world, moved out on my own, and my Mom wasn't able to be there for any of that. It hurts my heart to know she won't be there when I get married or have babies but it makes my heart happy to know she has the best view of it all.

I think back on these five years and I hope that I had made her proud. I wonder if she shakes her head when I make stupid decisions, laughs when we tell stories about her, and smiles when I achieve accomplishments. 

 I choose to try and celebrate today, her life, and who she was. Hug your people a little harder , tell them that you love them, and do not take a single day for granted. With every year that has passed I've learned that while I don't look a thing like my Mom I'm a lot more like her than I ever knew - I have her temper, her stubbornness, her hands/feet, her addiction to a good morning Diet Coke, but most of all her heart.

Yesterday we released five yellow balloons, a tradition that we have kept each year thus far. Five for the each year - yellow for her favorite color and suicide awareness.

We miss you more than I ever imagined possible Momma.

xo

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