A Letter To Myself

I wouldn't necessarily classify myself as one that wears my heart on my sleeve, I'm more reserved emotion wise somewhat keeping them to myself. I've always been that way and I've found that it works for me.

I'm currently taking a class that requires blog entries (completely separate from this) for a sense of "reflection", our entries are assigned topics such as "15 Random Facts About Me" to this weeks "A Letter to Yourself". It was meant to be somewhat emotional and raw which is exactly what I found when choosing my topic.  I contemplated posting this on here for a variety of reasons but decided this is a part of my story and I'm proud of how far I've come, maybe someone can take a lesson away from my experience or have a little comfort knowing they aren't alone.

So, here is my heart. A Letter to Myself. And those left behind.

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"Meg, 

If you are reading this I am gone. Don't you for one second think this has anything to do with you. You have been a total joy in my life. I am so proud of you and the young woman you are. You need to go on with your life and follow your dreams. I am so sorry for all the short comings in your life. You have been what has kept me going for years. I am unable to provide for you the way you deserve. I will always be watching over you. I love you with all my heart. 

~Mom"

​Ten sentences is what I was left with along with what felt like thousands of questions at the ripe age of seventeen. Sitting here almost four years later after losing my Mom many of those questions still go unanswered but I've learned so many things about life and about myself. 

First, you are not alone. Sadly suicide touches the lives of way too many people, often ones that you do not even know are struggling. Use the people around you, let them lift you up when you are down and allow them to stand behind you during your highs. They're the ones that will become your family and be there for years to come.

​You are so brave. ​ Literally. This is most likely one of the hardest things that you will ever go through. Don't underestimate the difficulty and your hurt. You're making it through, take it one day at a time, and tackle things as they come. 

​Allow yourself grieving time.  ​ You deserve this and do not let anyone take it away or make you feel guilty. Let yourself feel sad, allow yourself to cry. You are human and it is what we do.

​You can move on. ​ As hard as it seems in the moment you will be able to move on with your life. Everyone has a different journey and a path that they will take. It takes time and is different for everyone but it will happen eventually. You deserve to live your life, do things you love, and enjoy yourself. 

​You will be happy again. ​ At first it almost feels wrong to think about the happy times but you'll come to a point where you want to hear those stories. You'll want to hear their laugh and tell those stories about the time you laughed until your sides ached. ​Don't be afraid to talk about them.

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​You will take something good away from this.​ While at first it seems impossible you will learn so many things from this situation. You'll learn things about yourself you didn't even know along with this big crazy place we live in. You learn about who you are as a person, your strengths, your weaknesses, and exactly what you want or don't want. That is priceless. 

While I might have been left with those ten sentences and an empty spot in my heart I have grown so much. I've become a person that I am proud of and I wouldn't be where I am without my experience and my people. You figure out who matters and what matters. It has shown me who I am and what I aspire to be. It was a lot more than ten sentences. 

Circa 1989

Thanks Mom. xo

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